June 26, 2020

It's mid afternoon. Today is a good day because I passed my motorcycle endorsement. But that led to me going home and instantly looking up bikes that I could potentially buy. 

I have the mindset of a junkie. When I have my eyes set on something, it's over; I become fixated. And that is where I am right now. The little money I finally have put together is instantly starting to burn a hole in my pocket. I want to keep looking at bikes out on the market right now. God it hurts. It hurts good. 

It's not much different from the burning sensation that would push me to spend everything I had when I worked for AWS.

I'm not sure what to call this impulse or drive. I need a name for it. So far the phrase "burning a hole in my pocket" is surprisingly apt. It is not much different than burning pain.

Something else interesting about this is that while I am in this state where holes are being burned in my pockets, is that I don't experience any existential despair; I'm not worried about existence; I become goal oriented. I have a purpose—one that I am failing to achieve.