December 29, 2020

I stepped into the shower thinking that something is missing, that something isn't right in my life, that I am supposed to be doing something more important—saving the world from destruction, working on the alchemist's opus magnum, or whatever other dream. But instead I am putzing about the apartment, waiting for my menial job to start. 

Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story came to mind, and it took me a bit to figure out exactly why. From a writer's perspective, Buzz is actually quite clever. Buzz comes into this world with (flase) a priori knowledge, thinking that he is a Space Ranger equipped with deadly weapons and military training. But he's really just a child's toy, which he eventually learns to truly appreciate. He overcomes his inborn fantasies/complexes and fruitfully embraces reality. 

I wonder how many times I have arrived at this same conclusion—that I must stay in the present, awake, attentive, and with care, all in spite of the feeling that this is worthless and that I belong somewhere else. If I would like to go somewhere better, I must make my way from here, this spot right here where I am standing; this is the end and the beginning, the end and the means. 

"Each day is equal to the rest," said the weeping philosopher.

It appears that the process of realizing the value of my everyday-mundane-life is like the sun, rising, then setting again. I'll be here again, with a new metaphor or story in hand.

...

Last night, I couldn't sleep, so I was sharpening our kitchen knives, thinking about the following: 

For years now, I have felt a part of me, an internal part of me somewhere deep, struggling with the distinction between being and experiencing. It's as if a deep part of myself didn't understand how to differentiate between these until just recently. (I have the intuition that this is related to a process of maturation, a concretizing of identity.) These two words are deceptively simple and, at times, almost interchangeable. But I will be differentiating them here.

Being and experiencing are related to each other, quite intimately. 

Being is what a man is. 
Experiencing is what a man feels he is.

I'll tell you of two:
Humble is the first,
Internally exalted,
his station is low.
The other is mighty,
tho may not feel it so.

..

A ghost speaks: Many great things can be achieved with little awareness.

I do not know what he means.

...

The world at large is uninterested in me as I am. Yet, I crave its attention, a tiny seedling in me wants to be adored like a celebrity. 

A ghost speaks: respect is more mindful than adoration. 

I do not know what he means.