Under the Thin Film

(It's the morning after. I'm here to edit. I wrote this without thinking, just before passing out on the couch (sober). I'm not sure what to expect. I don't remember what I wrote. —hey that was pretty good!)

...

I've been moody lately. That's what I get for not taking my own advice. (Too much coffee, too much alcohol, not enough sleep, not enough time relaxing, too much time multitasking). But also, sometimes my emotional weather is just bad. My brain has a mind of its own.

In the material world, it was sunny but cold. This is one of many "fake spring" days to come. The weather is teasing that it is going to start getting warmer, but we know it isn't. I rode to Greenlake. I had a mediocre americano by the lake. At the cafe there was a person whose face was perfectly lit by the harsh sun reflecting off the smooth concrete floor and onto their face. I don't remember if it was a man or a woman or their age or anything. I just remember that they were the best lit person in the cafe out of two dozen others.

Outside there was one young woman who was painfully beautiful; she had the kind of beauty that gives me the same recurring feeling of of burning jealousy. As a young man I would have merely experienced this ugly burning and then unfairly projected a negative trait onto her, telling myself she was shallow or stupid, so that I could protect myself from feeling hopelessly attracted and totally inadequate. I still feel the same attraction to her. And her type of beauty still elicits feelings of inadequacy, but it doesn't have the same sting that it used to. The inadequacy is impersonal now. I guess beauty feels like a force in the world (like gravity); it's not just about her and me; beauty, to me now, is a natural force. And that beauty isn't really hers; her beauty is only a shadow of what beauty really is. I feel small in comparison to the beauty that she represents—in the way that standing on a beach with massive driftwood trees implies the existence of tremendous and terrible waves; it speaks of a force that has passed and left its mark.

I also edited pictures today. I built up a queue of pictures to post on Instagram. I've added a few followers; I am slowly making progress to getting 1000 (active) followers. We're a long way away. I'm not sure I can do it without being more gratuitous (boobs and butts).

How does one build an audience? How does one play to an audience? Do I even want to make that compromise? Well, for the time being, I think I would benefit from growing an audience. I couldn't sell-out if I tried.

....

It is so strange how much there is going on in the mind, just outside of our awareness. It is possible to try to break that nearly-invisible surface-tension-like film. But when that thin layer is broken, the thing beneath the surface isn't the same.  There are tricky and clever ways to see the machinations that are working down below. (This is self-knowledge and the study of psychology.) 

—there’s this motorcycle enduro rider, Graham Jarvis. He’s a poet and a dancer with his dirtbike. He’s one of those high-performing athletes that just blows my mind. When Jarvis—or any Motogp racer really—is working, they're on another level, far above our pathetic, vulgar, Earthly lives. But then they come back.

After a race they’ll sit down with their coach and discuss what they were doing. And then, somehow, their discussion will just automagically sink in and have an effect on their future performance. —how that works is a mastery that blows my fucking mind.

Somewhere, somehow there is a back-and-forth transition—a transformation—of language (propositional knowledge) to tacit knowledge (being physically able to do the cool thing).That transformation is a mystery. I’m not sure if we mere-humans have the ability to to have a theoretical understanding of that process, but we can do it.

I think that the most productive thing that we can do is to separate these two modes. —Do the thing, or think about the thing; you can’t both both at the same time. When we're nervous or overly self-aware (like in a job interview) is an example of when we're crossing the streams. Keep the streams—the modes—separate. (If there is a way to combine them, I know nothing about it.)

I would I could tell my younger self: Quit thinking. Take notes if you have the time. Examine the outcome after it's over. Reflect on it. Then, get back to doing it. Obviously, this isn't about forethought and impulse. This is about performance. 

On a Particular Feeling of Discomfort

I'm in bed, typing. Caitlin is working beside me. We're listening to Jefferson Airplane. We had a busy weekend dog sitting Missy-Misdemeanor, visiting the Olympic Peninsula, and attending a greyhound meetup at Discovery Park.

I had a long conversation with Mariah on her boat after I dropped Missy off. We talked about future plan and how we both go through cycles—moments of restlessness that push us to pack up everything, move, and start over. These cycles range in scale. Sometimes it's just switching from one hobby to another; other times it's moving to another part of the country. 

However, there is another type of cycle, closely related to the above cycle. It's like a more-stable, non-pathological version of bipolar disorder—periods of hypomania followed by minor depression. Mini-obsessions followed by a period of disillusionment. Over and over again (in increasingly larger concentric circles, it seems). I have cultivated this cycle, made it more stable—tempered it. 

I would like a name for these cycles, this inhalation and exhalation, this creation and fall. 

Toward the end of a cycle, I experience a particular, uncomfortable feeling. I also want a name for this feeling; that way, I can identify it more easily when it comes up. (This feeling also presents itself somewhat at random.) Here we go:

After a period of creativity, I begin to experience a feeling. The feeling tells me that I must, must, must do something, for stillness is complacency, and complacency is death. But this feeling becomes toxic and soul crushing; as if it were the inevitable corruption a creative urge. I begin to lose focus and inspiration. Yet, I still feel the desperate need to continue working. But as time goes on (hours, day, or weeks), the work, the project, the creation becomes less and less fulfilling, and the feeling becomes more desperate and painful. Then the creative urge runs the risk of shattering, a painful experience.

I have found a simple, effective, yet extremely frustrating solution to this problem. The solution is to rest. The challenge here is that the solution is the opposite of the feeling/impulse. The impulse is to work, but the solution is to rest.

In times like these, one must fight to rest.

Here, resting is not relaxing. Here, rest is a fight to pause—to forcefully compel the mind, soul, and body to stillness.

This stillness is uncomfortable, painful. It carries somewhat-pure, rather-distilled, elements of human suffering and the tragedy of life; (these feelings are often times not grounded in one's life and seem to have a life of their own). (Pick your religious metaphor—Christ on the Cross, Buddha under the Tree, Odin Hanging, Prometheus having his liver plucked out by vultures, Sisyphus watching his boulder roll down the hill once again.)

...

How much time have a wasted trying to be better than I really am?

How many times have I taken my picture and tried to be more beautiful by straining and contorting my face?

How many times have I say at the keyboard and internally begged, why, why, why can I not write more clearly, more cleverly, more wittily, and more swiftly?

When are we at our (pathetic) best? When?

...

When there is an unresolvable conflict, a tension of opposites (e.g. an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, or a Catch-22), one of two things happens: the forces cancel each other, or there is transcendence, the creation of a third, greater thing. The nature of the latter is life's most precious mystery, the stuff of alchemy, and the false hope of religion. 

There are many things that can be said whose opposite is also true; these paradoxes mark the edge of one paradigm and the beginning of another.

...

What I was as a young man, that is, who I was, was totally disconnected from what I felt I was. It's such a broad thing to say. Useless without elaboration. I don't have the heart to go into detail right now.

Looking Toward My Future

We have five weeks left in Queen Anne. It's February 21st. Our lease is up at the end of March. Dani is moving out tomorrow which means Grr will be leaving. I love that cat. 

Big changes are coming. Dani leaving is a real harbinger. Seeing her pack her boxes has made me pause and go, "oh shit, this lease is up real soon." 

Where to next?

Caitlin is headed to Portland.

I'm between moving to Central Oregon and just south of Seattle. Spokane is now lower on the list because the apprentice electrician program isn't as big. I'm ranked 770 in Seattle; still waiting on word from Oregon and Spokane. —Yes ranked 770th of who knows how many. This might be a while.

Whether I stay in Washington or move out, I will probably be "on the books for a bit." I have to sign up for a position as a stockman (picking up and dropping off supplies) or a I-forget-the-name-but-they-pull-wires-and-it-pays-slightly-less-than-stockman-while-being-slightly-more-miserable-supposedly.

I'm walking up to a major crossroads that will determine where I'll be for the next five years. There isn't a right answer.

I have the strong gut feeling that I don't want to stay in Seattle. And, yes, I have reckoned with the fact that I will be leaving good friends behind. I don't want to be 35 and be in Seattle. That being said, PSE stands for Puget Sound Energy, not Seattle Energy. The Puget Sound has a lot to offer. For example, I could—though not likely—end up on the Olympic Peninsula. My experience is not-all-that-typical in that I have lived close to downtown during my entire time in Seattle. I could probably find a place in this region that I would be comfortable in (and maybe even afford.).

Central Oregon is promising, but it is unknown and probably quite different. However, in my experience, wherever I have gone, I have made friends. I have met good and bad people. Everytime I have moved—even just within Seattle—I have learned something new: a new neighborhood teaches you new things. But moving has been growing increasingly painful. 

What incredible lengths we go through to find a sense of home.

I am going to be very lonely soon.

I'm not too sure what I feel right now. There's a few things going on. 

The first is that I feel a sense of surprise. I'm kind of shocked to see myself wishing to hear a part of my self saying, "Oh can we just have some stability and stop moving for once and just live somewhere," and then not have my immediate response be, "Fuck no, we have shit to see; we're not stopping anywhere nearby."

I don't feel like I am merely wandering anymore. It feels like I am looking for a place to settle. That might happen in two years, or it might happen in ten or fifteen. Probably closer to ten.

I'm trying to take care of 40 year old Andy. It's hard to imagine him at 40. (It's shocking to see that number—40—written.) I've been trying to take care of myself ten years out. At 21-22 I wanted 30-35 year old Andy to have a good body, good social skills, and an education that he would find meaningful and that would find him work. (We're almost there with the work part.)

What does 40 year old Andy need?

I think he'll want a wife. He won't want to be dating because that takes a lot of time and energy, and at that age people prefer meaningful, deep, long-term relationships. I think he'll want to have a family started already (at 35 or so). I think he'll still be reading good books. I hope he'll still regularly ride motorcycles (with tempered enthusiasm). Maybe he'll have a small photography business on the side. I hope he'll still keep his body in good shape. He probably won't have as much time to write like he does now, but I think he'll still keep a journal to organize his thoughts. He'll write thoughtful letters to friends, family, and himself. He'll want to own a house because he grew tired of renting well before the age of 28. He will have chickens, or he will have grown tired of raising chickens. He'll have a dog or two. 

It feels weird to write all of this out like just like that. It almost feels like a dubious move—as if I were invoking bad luck—to spell it all out so clearly. Because, tragedy can strike at any moment. And tragedy will eventually strike. Every relationship ends in tragedy. Every star fades, or blows up, or something. We all die. Some live well; many do not. (As I type this there is a deranged man outside our apartment screaming nonsense at the top of his lungs, nonstop for the past ten minutes, at 1am on a cold and exceptionally windy night.)

Anyway, I have a sense of direction. And I have forward momentum. I'm going to keep that momentum.

(A cause of many minor accidents in beginner riders is a lack of throttle. The spinning of the tires, and to a lesser degree of the internal components of the engine, creates a gyroscopic force that keeps the rider upright. If you want to stay upright, keep moving.)

...

A thought mostly unrelated to the above writing: 

I think that dating apps like Tindr, Bumble, etc. are like a mirror. They're a mirror just like dating is in general. You'll find what you're looking for (not what you think you're looking for). Granted, I get that women get a lot of unsolicited dick pics. And granted, ugly dudes don't really stand a chance online. But besides that, the dating scene is a ruthless mirror. If you repeatedly come across a similar type of person, it's because that's what you're looking for. Or, perhaps more often than not, that is what your shadow is looking for.

Most of us don't realize what we're looking for. We just notice what we keep finding. Sometimes this works out fine, and we're happy. But not in my experience. Maybe that's too general to be meaningful.

It's serious work learning what we (authentically) enjoy. And it's more work learning what is both (truly) good and (authentically) enjoyable. And then it's even more work leaning to (truly) enjoy what is (truly) meaningful and (truly) good. (I authentically enjoyed LSD for a while, but that didn't work out so well. —Philosophy, however.)

Ares rests. 

Onward, Hermes. Guide this wayward soul.

...

Photography has been good for me.  It has been a creative exhalation after what felt like a relatively long period of inhalation (reading and thinking). 

I now have a tangible goal to further hone my NYE resolution: I want 1,000 followers on my photography account, and I want to follow no more than 500 people (300 would be more ideal).

Is this mere vanity? —No not quite. But vanity is an element, a motivating force.

If this was shallow vanity I would be aiming for mere-likes, shallow finger taps. And the easiest way to do that is to post pictures of beautiful people, namely women. 

I would rather post beautiful-pictures-of-people rather than pictures-of-beautiful-people. (Maybe someday I will post beautiful-pictures-of-beautiful-people).

Anyway,

I have a few rules in mind for my instagram acct, but nothing official yet—

• No gratuitous sexy bullshit
• No makeup
• No Cleavage
• No abs
• No ass
• No Photoshop (to clean up skin)

I'm searching for a deeper beauty, and I want to bring it to light. Maybe I'll find it. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll merely devolve into a pornographer. —probably not.

...

A ghost says, do not get fat on low hanging fruit; it is not becoming. I do not know what she means, so you will have to interpret that.

...

They say that there is nothing behind the veil. I say that they need a better metaphor. While Life may be a mystery, 

 Ares is on the move again, ready to set fire and cleave apart anything he can. 

...

I’ve been working with despairation. Editing photos all day. Time is ticking. So many seeds scattered by the wayside. So many seeds on rocky ground

so much wasted

all hope and no technique  

...

Tonight isn’t a night for well-articulated thoughts. I’ll just lay here in bed and burn. And in the morning I will reconstitute the ashes into a new man. The new man will be quite the same man as before, but we will have lost some pieces. Maybe we will assemble the remainder in a more harmonious way than before; It is unlikely.

...

Ares is on the move. And he wants to pick a fight with you. 

February 3, 2021: Nostalgia set to max

"We had it so much better than I (inadvertently) chose to remember."

I (inadvertently) spelled Andres to Ares. That was interesting. I hadn't made that connection before.

Feb 2, 2021: Nostalgia // It's Imbolc, apparently

A friend [hi Lauren, nice seeing you here, hope all is well, we don't get so many visitors here] posted videos on her private Instagram story of her family videos, the kind taped on a camcorder where you can hear the autofocus better than the dialogue. It got me feeling nostalgic, and I remembered that I have a hard drive that my father sent me a few years ago. I figured it was time to really sort through it. 

There were so many memories and pictures on that HDD that I had totally forgotten about. The funny thing about really forgetting is that you don't know how much you have forgotten unless you come back to it. —That's where I am right now.

The pictures are a mess, many unlabeled, with many duplicates, but mostly organized by date. 

Organizing these pictures that my father has given me is a metaphor for how I feel about him: thanks, it's meaningful, but it's a mess; it's a pain in the ass, but I'm sure I can make something of this if I put effort into it.

...

It's Imbolc, or it was until the sun set. I'm not sure what that means other than the fact that it's a synchronicity. 

...

There is so, so much to unpack. I'll leave pictures and sort through the ideas later.

This... this isn't how I was remembering the past. I have a lot of anger and resentment towards my past, much more than I deserve, especially my teenage years.

A ghost speaks, now you understand what Socrates meant that the Daimon is the guardian—the guardian shadow, preventing you from speaking or acting when you would rather have done so. 

Yes, he can be quite the tricky fellow.